Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” It is offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado as an actual class assignment:

A Creative Writing professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to his or her desk.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Bill:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now at all costs keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Bill)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Bill)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Bill)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some sort of F—KING TEA?? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo. I guess I’ve read too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

A$$H@le.

(Bill)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Bill)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ – I really liked this one.

(Gefunden zuerst als Bild und schließlich hier)

Noch Fragen?

INFORMATIONSAUSGABE – Bundesministerium für Verkehr – JUNI 2010

In Deutschland hat sich die Qualität der Kraftfahrzeug-Fahrer deutlich
verschlechtert. Aus diesem Grund hat das Straßenverkehrsamt ein neues System
eingeführt um die schlechten Fahrer zu identifizieren.

Mit sofortiger Wirkung werden allen Fahrern, die sich im Straßenverkehr
schlecht benehmen -unter anderem durch plötzliches Anhalten, zu dichtem
Auffahren, Überholen an gefährlichen Stellen, Abbiegen ohne zu blinken, Drehen
auf Hauptstraßen und rechts überholen- Fahnen ausgehändigt. Sie sind rot, mit
einem schwarzen Streifen oben und einem gelben Streifen unten. Dadurch sind sie
für andere Verkehrsteilnehmer als unfähige Kraftfahrer zu identifizieren.

Diese Fahnen werden an der Fahrzeugseite befestigt und müssen für alle anderen
Verkehrsteilnehmer gut sichtbar sein.

Die Fahrer, die eine besonders schwache Leistung gezeigt haben, müssen je eine
Fahne auf beiden Seiten ihres Fahrzeugs befestigen, um auf ihre fehlende
Fahrkunst und ihren Mangel an Intelligenz aufmerksam zu machen.

Bitte an andere Verkehrsteilnehmer weiterleiten, so dass alle die Bedeutung
dieser Fahnen verstehen.

Mit freundlichem Gruß

Das Bundesverkehrsministerium

Und das mir hinterher keiner sagt, er hätts nicht gewußt!

Trailer für den Dramatikerwettbewerb 2009 des Theaters im OP Göttingen.

(via Tina)

Soweit, so gut! Wie aber passt die Wassermelone  in diesen endlosen Kreislauf von fressen und gefressen werden? Welches sind ihre natürlichen Feinde und wer muss sie fürchten? Hier das Ergebniss meiner umfangreichen Forschungen.

Die Geschichte der gemeinen Wassermelone ist eine Geschichte voller Missverständnisse. Und sie ist untrennbar verbunden mit dem dreibeinigen Senfkrömling.

Der dreibeinige Senfkrömling ist, ebenso wie die Wassermelone, auf den Schlickhalden von Emden beheimatet. Hier, und nur hier, entwickelte sich eine einzigartige symbiotische Beziehung zum Nutzen beider Spezies.

Der aufmerksame Betrachter mag sich nun ob des sonderbaren Namenszusatzes “dreibeiniger” des Senfkrömlings wundern und sich fragen was den dreibeinigen vom normalen Husumer Senfkrömling unterscheidet.

Es begab sich im Jahre 1815, dass der Heimatdichter Hubertus von Senkengrunf an einem lauen Sommerabend bei bester Fernsicht und schwülem Wetter sich anschickte eine Buche zwar sturzbetrunken, aber ausserordentlich zielsicher aus einer bezeugten Entfernung von nahezu 200 Metern anzudichten. Von Senkengrunf hatte zu diesem Zeitpunkt bereits nahezu jedes heimatkundlich bedeutende Bauwerk angedichtet, diverse Bewässerungsgräben und Senkgruben besungen und sich damit den Ruf eines Heimat- und Naturdichters von ausserordentlichem Kaliber erworben.

An diesem Abend wollte von Senkengrunf sein Tagwerk nach mehreren Krügen Amaretto und Eierliklör mit einer gelungenen Naturbedichtung beenden, als er plötzlich auf einem nahestehenden Zaunpfahl den ihm in der Erscheinung vertraut vorkommenden Senfkrömling erblickte. Durch den segensreichen Einfluss des Alkohols sah von Senkengrunf doppelt und weil er Einäugig war sah er nur das eine Bein des Senfkrömlings doppelt. Umgeben von den Honoratioren schickte  man sich an die neue Art zu erkunden und näherte sich nun wankend auf allen Vieren dem wundersamen Wesen, welches betäubt durch den stechenden Alkoholdunst alsbald donnernd seinen Darm entleerte und wie tot vom Zaun viel.

So entdeckte also Hubertus von Senkengrunf den dreibeinigen Senfkrömling. Dessen Rolle bei der Vermehrung der Wassermelone wurde jedoch erst viel später entdeckt. Ebenso wie der dreibeinige Senfkrömling kommt die Wassermelone nur im Gebiet der Schlickhalden von Emden vor. Versuche dieses Gewächs auch in anderen Gegenden zu beheimaten schlugen fehl. Bei den meisten im Handel erhältlichen Wassermelonen handelt es sich daher entweder um Komplettimitate aus Fischmehlersatz, oder um echte Wassermelonenschalen, die mit künstlich hergestelltem Pressmelonenfleisch aus Fischmehlersatz ausgeschäumt wurden. Die gemeine Wassermelone kann sich nur dort fortpflanzen, wo sich auch der dreibeinige Senfkrömling, ihr natürlicher Feind, befindet.

Der dreibeinige Senfkrömling verwendet die Schale der Wassermelone als Nistplatz und Wohnhöhle. Dazu pirscht er sich langsam und behende an eine unachtsam und einsam im Unterholz liegenden Wassermelone heran. Wenn nötig belauert er die Wassermelone für Stunden und schlägt erst dann zu, wenn er sicher ist keine Gegenwehr oder Flucht erwarten zu müssen. Mit seinem scharfen Schnabel hat er in wenigen Stunden ein winziges Loch in die Schale der Wassermelone geschlagen, bis schliesslich das weiche, wässerige Fruchtfleisch vor ihm liegt.

Bevor der dreibeinige Senfkrömling sein neues Heim beziehen kann, muss zunächst der alte Bewohner entfernt werden. Mit unendlicher Geduld vertilgt er also das Fruchtfleisch der Melone und nimmt dabei das bis zu fünfzigfache seines Volumens auf. Nicht wenige dreibeinige Senfkrömlinge platzen bei dieser Belastung und verteilen dabei explosionsartig das Fruchtfleisch und die Kerne der Wassermelone über eine Radius von bis zu 10 Metern. An lauen Sommerabenden ist das Unterholz oftmals erfüllt vom Wiederhall tausendfachen Platzens. Amerikanische Wissenschaftler haben herausgefunden, dass nur 2 von 30 dreibeinigen Senfkrömlingen die sogenannte Melonenräumung überleben. Das heißt also ungefähr 26 von 30 Senfkrömlingen platzen und schaffen so neue Melonen.

Aber die Tragik des Senfkrömlings nimmt hier kein Ende. Von den etwa 3 von 30 überlebenden Senfkrömlingen sind 3 von 5 nicht mehr  in der Lage in ihrem aufgeblähten Zustand durch das kleine Fressloch in die Melonenschale zu kriechen. So bleibt diesen bedauernswerten Schwerstarbeitern nur sich geräuschvoll zu erbrechen, wobei auch sie Fruchtfleisch und Kerne über einen Radius von bis zu 20 Metern verteilen. Eine Wassermelone wäre von alleine aufgrund der ihr angeborenen Trägheit niemals in der Lage ihre Nachkommenschaft auf so großem Gebiet zu verteilen. Die wenigen dreibeinigen Senfkrömlinge jedoch, die es schaffen in der ausgehölten Melonenschale eine Heimat zu beziehen, geben diese alsbald wieder auf, weil es ihnen im inneren der Wassermelone zu feucht ist und ihr Gefieder anfängt zu schimmeln. Sobald er seine Eier in die Schale gelegt hat, verlässt der Senfkrömling diese wieder und wendet sich wieder seiner üblichen Beschäftigung zu, dem erwürgen von kleinen Nagetieren.

My dear, may be you dont know, i want to inform you that you can not do anything without the help of the Almighty been whom i have appology to only when i sinnes against sin, so keep your assisttance and help if you think i will appologise to you for my own safety, i said it before and will said it again, is not force that you MUST help me, it will be willingly and not by force, so my dear, i look unto him without covering my face and know he is capable of takeing me from glory to glory. thank you for your mail and have a nice stay.

Linda.

Und aus den 7,5 Millionen Dollar wird nun wohl auch nichts…

My dearly beloved,

i am happy to hear from you and to tell you the truth, i dont understand why you want to inform every body about my problem i hope you know that this is to put my life and money into more danager, but to make you feel at easy and have peace of mind, i will allow you to discuss this only with the  brother you have just mentione and not with brothers and sisters as i dont know there role in this transaction that must make you to get all of them informed, please understand
that my life worth more than millions and if you are not truely want to help me, i will advice you to keep off and stop  any kind of assiattance from you that will place my life and money in daneger.

Finally, i want you to understand that DR Green Anderson is the chairman federal reserve bank whom will need his final signatory before the delivery of the money to you there in your country alos dont forget that if you dont keep this with yourself alone, that people will be jelous and might use  it against you after the sudden wealth they will see you controling in no due time, so i will like you to think twice, check and cross check yourself if you are really sure and willing to assist me in this transaction because is not force that you must assist me, it
must be out of truth and with  faith that will give us success at the end of the transaction, let me live you here for now so that you can cross check yourself and think twice if you will still help me or not before we can proceed.

Yours sincerely
Linda.

Was für eine ungeheuerliche Beleidigung! Die Brüder und Schwestern nicht vertrauenswürdig? Da ist eine Entschuldigung fällig!

Linda!

I am disgusted by your last mail and by your apparent lack of trust!

>   Finally, i want you to understand that DR Green Anderson is the chairman
>   federal reserve bank whom will need his final signatory before the delivery
>   of the money to you there in your country alos dont forget that if you dont
>   keep this with yourself alone, that people will be jelous and might use it
>   against you after the sudden wealth they will see you controling in no due
>   time, so i will like you to think twice, check and cross check yourself if

You think my brothers and sisters in my convent are capable of the cardinal sin
of jealousy? These brave men and women who work with me on the fields during
the spaghetti harvest and share their fish and bread with me every day will
turn on me? They will risk eternal life in heaven with the baby jesus by having
foul thoughts about envy?

I demand an apology! And not just a few simple words. You have insulted me and
you have insulted my brothers and sisters. So I demand that you bring a
sacrifice of bread and fish to our Heavenly Father, who is the guiding light of
the world and I demand that you send me a picture of you offering this
sacrifice as a proof that you offerd fish and bread in humbleness to our
beloved Father! And just so you know: We do sacrifices the traditional way with
the sacrificial goods raised high above the head and I expect you to do the
same on that picture! Raise that fish and bread above your head and offer it to our
Heavenly Father, so he may hear your craving vor forgiveness!

And just as a sign of goodwill: In spite of being insulted by you in that
horrible way I talked to brother Hanswurst about contacting this Dr. Anderson.
And although you still did not tell me what exactly I shall write him, brother
Hanswurst will be sending him a mail with the documents you provided and inform
him of our intent to help you transfer that money first thing tomorrow.

Regards

Dearly beloved Brother,

Please this e-mail requires  very urgently attention and response,  this is to inform you on what you are required to do immediately to help me recieve the money on my behalf there in your country.

The newly improved arrangement is that the deposited money in the bank treasury will be dislodge immediately from the bank deposit and move it diplomatically to you there in your region (OR ANY DIPLOMATIC LINK/ROOT NEAR YOUR COUNTRY) with diplomatic immunity and official bank coverage documents .

To commence on this process, firstly I wish to let you know this, that you will be
required to pay for the handling delivery charge of the money upon the arrival of the United Nation diplomat and the bank delegates who will convey the consignment to you there in your country  DUSELL-DORF GERMANY
(OR ANY DIPLOMATIC LINK/ROOT NEAR YOUR COUNTRY).

I will be glad to have your own opinion before the money will be dislodge from the bank and thereafter conveyed to you immediately since I have chose  you to be my guildian and the sole beneficiary and the one to receive the cash money upon the arrival of the diplomats and the bank delegates.

I would like you to know that this arrangement is 100% SURE , RISK FREE AND FAST.

So kindly get back to me immediately known that this required urgent attention as I mentioned above. feel free to contact Dr Green Anderson on his contact information below.

Contact Person— Dr Green Anderson
E-mail—- drgreenanderson@yahoo.com
Telephone —- +225 07 56 89 31
Tele/Fax —— +225 22 43  49 12

I will stop here for now and look forward to your positive email reply as soon as
possible.

My Regards,
LINDA AKEEM

pLEASE TELL ME HAVE YOU OPEN CONTACT WITH DR GREEN ANDERSON.

LINDA AKEEM

Ich bin natürlich etwas enttäuscht, dass Linda so überhaupt nicht auf die von mir erwähnte Spaghetti-Ernte eingeht, sondern so kühl und geschäftlich bleibt. Aber um sie nicht unnötig warten zu lassen schicke ich Ihr sofort eine Antwort.

Dear sister Linda!

I am, as always, delighted to hear from you!

> Please this e-mail requires  very urgently attention and response,  this is
> to inform you on what you are required to do immediately to help me recieve
> the money on my behalf there in your country.

I have to ask you to allow me to talk to someone else about this. As you remember I so far only entrusted my confessor brother Jacob with this matter because you asked me for the strictest confidentiality. As I would never break this promise that I have given you dear sister Linda I am unable to talk to anyone else about this important matter. But unfortunately for any money related matters I need to talk to our treasurerer, brother Hanswurst. I need his help to understand  what to do in these highly complicated matters. But as long as I am bound by my promise to you I cannot ask him for his help and guidance. I also would like you to allow me to talk about this to the other brothers and sisters in my convent as I do not feel comfortable with hiding something of this importance from them. Do you allow me to inform the other brothers and sisters and especially brother Hanswurst about our transaction?

> The newly improved arrangement is that the deposited money in the bank
> treasury will be dislodge immediately from the bank deposit and move it
> diplomatically to you there in your region (OR ANY DIPLOMATIC LINK/ROOT NEAR
> YOUR COUNTRY) with diplomatic immunity and official bank coverage documents .

I see a problem here: Since we from the “Order of the holy sheep of the last days that might come very soon to our ever so big surprise” do not recognise any other authoritiy than the Holy Lord, praise to his name, we regard any servant of the secular institutions to be a sinner because they do claim the authority that ony belongs to our heavenly Father. To deal with any of them in this way would be a sin and put my immortal soul in grave danger. To tell you the truth I am surprised that you ask me to do something like that. We must find another way!

> So kindly get back to me immediately known that this required urgent
> attention as I mentioned above. feel free to contact Dr Green Anderson on his
> contact information below.
>
>   Contact Person— Dr Green Anderson
>   E-mail—- drgreenanderson@yahoo.com
>   Telephone —- +225 07 56 89 31
>   Tele/Fax —— +225 22 43  49 12

I am sorry but I did not understand for what reason I shall contact this Dr
Anderson. What I am supposed to tell him? Please advise.

I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you allow me to talk to brother
Hanswurst about this.

Dear Sister Linda,

I am sorry that you had to wait for such a long time for my next mail.

> FINALLY I AM AN ORPHAN THAT NEEDS YOUR HELP AND
> KNOW THAT YOU HAVE WHAT IT  TAKES AND THE ABILITY TO
> BRING ME INTO A NEW WORLD OF JOY. LET ME STOP HERE  FOR
> NOW AND LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR FINAL DECISION.

I promised you to persuade brother Jacob to allow me to keep helping you and I did what I promised! After I did my penance I was again in a position to address a fellow brother. I waited after we brought in the first spaghetti harvest of this year, because after we picked all the pasta strands from the spaghettie plants in the fields before the rain could ruin it, brother Jacob is always more open to suggestions. It was an especially happy weekend for us all, since our cannelloni trees bore fruit for the first time! Do you have spaghettie plants and cannellonie trees at your place too?

I convinced brother Jacob that the baby Jesus would not turn around and just leave you alone with your problems and neither should we. I also took the liberty of suggesting that a fellow sister in the faith with some wealth to spread would certainly smile on those who helped her to secure that wealth of hers and would in all likelyhood be willing to share some of it with those who helped her so selflessly like us. I hope I have not been to bold in telling him this?

Of course the documents you provided helped a great deal to make him belive you have some money that might help us too. So after the midday service, after we shared the bread and the fish he aproached me and told me to continue helping you. What joyous news that was! Praise The Lord who in his endless wisdom guided brother Jacob and made him choose wise!

I hope you are well and that you too have enough bred and fish for a good service of The Lord!

So, how do we proceed?

May good guide you and protect you!